No Time to Blog

Dusk
Originally uploaded by Terz.

Too busy preparing for another trip out. And it's down to whether or not there are seats available on the plane...

Went about town today looking for one of those automated photo booths so's I can get a couple of passport-sized photos for the visa. It's unbelievable how few there are of those nowadays. Made three stops before we found a C-41 process shop in Peninsula Plaza that did the photos onsite. $8 and ten minutes later I got what I'd spent most of the early afternoon (about one hour, going to the SIR Building - who would've thunk that they didn't have those booths on their auspices [that didn't require me to get a body-cavity search by the security guard on duty so I could enter the building, that is...], Lavender MRT station, then Peninsula Plaza) looking for.

In the meantime, I've checked on the weather in Islamabad - not good, it's 16 degrees Celsius at night there, at 500 m above sea level. Hard to say whether or not it'll be colder wherever we're going. But, I've already pulled out my winter jacket and beanie from cold storage. And I've have gone window shopping for prices for a new pair of gloves ($45) and fleece jacket ($190).

Ouch.

Tomorrow, assuming I am activated in the first place, I will have to remind myself to pack the rolls of film that've been in the fridge since the last time I had to go someplace where a running supply of electricity isn't guaranteed.

I should be prepared.

More or less.

Briefing's only tomorrow.

***

Now that's out of the way, can I say now, truthfully, that I'm scared shitless going on another one of these trips?

I mean it. Maybe the average human being isn't supposed to witness so many disasters in his lifetime. In one year, no less. Maybe I should have asked to take a break before heading off to another place where there are thousands of dead people all in one place. Maybe I'll ask that this be the last trip I go on for this year and for the first six months of next year.

I mean, it was bad enough that I had fallen off the wagon again (smoking*) within two days of someone asking me if I wanted to go? Or that it took me a long while before I could respond to that question (actually asked for one night to think about it)? Or that I've been having sleepless nights all over again?

One part of me wants to go. Badly. Open my eyes and all that shit. Help out in any way I can. Badly enough that I was willing run about town (in the downpour that was today) looking for photo booths for visa photos and places to buy cold weather gear. Badly enough that I'm already 70% packed to leave, whether or not I was actually going - did laundry and all. If anything happens, it'll be in clean underwear.

But there's just another part of me that's saying, "Are you fuckin' out of your mind? You're married, for chrissakes. What's with all this running all over the place? And throwing yourself into harm's way? Have you forgotten that you're 34 this year, or are you planning still to die at 35 and leave a [relatively] good-looking corpse, assuming there's one in the first place? And what about freaking out your parents, your mother especially, with all this? Leave all this shit to someone younger, why don't you?"

Scared. Shitless.

Not quite as heroic, eh?


* clean for 22 days before the fit hit the shan.